Bad Bridesmaid Read online

  ‘Look who I found,’ Mike sings as he enters the room with Heather and Jason.

  ‘Brilliant, now we can vote again and see if we have a winning movie,’ Nancy says excitedly.

  ‘Well, not really,’ Mike replies. ‘It’s still three for the boy film and three for the girl film – no offence, Mia.’

  ‘None taken,’ I laugh.

  ‘I think you might be wrong, actually,’ Nancy says. ‘Yes, Heather will pick Dirty Dancing, but let’s ask Jason what he wants to watch.’

  Everyone looks at Jason, including his wife Heather who shoots him a look, a look that I imagine is supposed to terrify him into siding with her.

  ‘Actually, I quite like Dirty Dancing,’ Jason insists.

  ‘Where’s your fucking balls, man?’ Mike asks angrily.

  ‘Really, he does,’ Heather insists. ‘We performed “I’ve Had The Time Of My Life” in a couples talent show and we won!’

  Upon hearing the words “couples talent show” I throw up in my mouth.

  ‘That’s a thing?’ I ask, my jaw practically on the floor.

  Heather and Jason nod proudly.

  ‘You can show that after the film,’ Belle insists enthusiastically. ‘Everyone sit down, let’s get started.’

  We all take our seats, but as Belle presses the play button Josh and Max emerge from behind a pile of beanbags.

  ‘Forget this,’ Josh strops as they head for the door. ‘We thought you’d be watching something cool.’

  ‘Correctamundo,’ Max adds with a nod, and with that they are gone.

  As I feel my heart fill with pride I realise everyone is staring at me – of course, this is my fault.

  ‘Just play the fucking film,’ I insist.

  Chapter 22

  As I watch Jason and Heather perform their cover of “I’ve Had The Time Of My Life” that won them a couples talent show, I have never felt happier to be single. I have also never been more sorry to have ears and eyes – though even without those two senses, I reckon I’d smell the cheese and my skin would still crawl.

  ‘No jazz hands?’ I ask instead of joining in with the applause everyone else is giving them when they are finally finished.

  My teasing isn’t enough to faze the happy couple, who are beaming with pride at their routine. Belle and Nancy are in awe, but Mike looks just as disturbed as I am, he’s just polite enough to clap.

  ‘There is no moment a couple can share that is more intimate than singing together,’ Heather muses breathlessly.

  I go to raise my hand to suggest other things, but an amused Mike forces it back down.

  ‘Well, that was awesome,’ I lie, ‘the film, the dancing – everything. Sadly I need to go and call work. It can’t all be 24/7 fun, you know?’

  My sister gives me a very brief dirty look, but no one else even acknowledges that I am leaving the room, apart from Mike who gives me a wave.

  As I begin climbing the stairs to my – sorry, Leo’s bedroom, I can’t help but think about just how unbearable things have become. Yes, things were awkward from the second I got off that train, but it only seems to be getting worse and worse. I know that Belle is my sister, but I can’t help but think that it would be better for everyone if I hadn’t bothered coming. They all probably think less of me for what has happened while I’ve been here than they would have if I’d made my excuses and stayed away. At least things are so bad that they can’t get any worse.

  ‘Hello Mia,’ I hear my uncle say as he follows me up the stairs. That’s the last thing I need right now, Uncle Sleaze harassing me.

  ‘Hello,’ I reply without stopping. ‘I’m actually expecting a work call, so I can’t chat.’

  Surely he can’t expect me to talk to him if I’m waiting on an important call – he doesn’t need to know that I am the one making the call, not receiving it.

  ‘Just a second.’ He grabs my arm, not hard but it stops me in my tracks. ‘I’m worried about you and this Leo bloke. How well do you actually know him?’

  I wiggle free from his grasp. ‘I know him well enough, thank you,’ I reply. Well enough to trust him, but not so well that it’s like he’s related to me – which would be wrong, but not everyone seems to get that. ‘Anyway, we’re only sharing a room.’

  ‘You’ve only known him a couple of days,’ he reminds me, and I don’t tell him that I’d only known him a couple of minutes before I had sex with him.

  ‘I appreciate the fatherly, or rather uncle-y concern,’ I tell him, fairly certain I just made up a word, but it can’t hurt to remind him that we are related, ‘but I’m fine. Honestly.’

  ‘Are you being safe?’ he asks, and it takes the addition of him raising his eyebrows for me to realise what he’s getting at.

  ‘Eww! I’ve had the birds and the bees talk, can we leave it at that please? Like I said, I appreciate the fatherly concern, but even my own dad doesn’t give that much of a shit about me.’

  ‘He’s just preoccupied with the wedding, he wants to make sure everything is perfect for Belle.’

  ‘Of course, everyone wants to make sure everything is perfect for Belle,’ I moan.

  ‘Everyone but you,’ he reminds me.

  ‘The jealousy is just eating me up,’ I say sarcastically. ‘When will I find a husband?’

  ‘Well you can stay away from mine,’ I hear my auntie warn me. She’s like a ninja, her sneaking skills are second to none.

  ‘I was just checking on Mia,’ my uncle insists.

  ‘I was getting the safe sex talk,’ I laugh – well, why lie? It’s not like we have anything to hide, as much as she seems to think we do.

  ‘You’re wasting your time there, darling,’ she tells Steve as she gestures for him to follow her downstairs.

  ‘Oh my God, so lovely chatting with you both,’ I call after them in my most sarcastic voice. ‘Let’s do this again soon.’

  As I head for Leo’s room I make a gun with my hand and hold it to my temple. ‘Boom!’ I say to myself as I “pull the trigger”.’ I stand corrected, things can get worse, so so much worse.

  I grab my iPad, make myself comfortable on Leo’s bed and then take a deep breath before video calling the office. It is my assistant Dalia who answers, looking as miserable as ever.

  ‘Hey Dal-face,’ I say brightly, although despite my best efforts to give her a nickname this is yet another one that goes over her head.

  ‘How is England?’ she asks. I don’t think she actually cares, when she thinks of England she imagines a touristy London postcard with an added raincloud.

  ‘Great, thank you,’ I lie. ‘It’s nice to have a break, I might go and chill out on the beach after this.’

  ‘No way, you guys have beaches?’

  So stupid. So so stupid.

  ‘Yes, we do. Anyway, how is work?’

  Dalia gestures for me to lean closer to the camera, which I do.

  ‘The boss is not happy,’ she whispers.

  ‘Tell me something I don’t know,’ I unnecessarily whisper back. My boss is never happy, in fact he always looks about one piece of bad news away from a heart attack.

  ‘He’s not happy with you,’ she tells me. ‘He, erm… he found out that you and Zack, you know.’ Dalia widens her eyes for emphasis.

  ‘How did he find that out?’

  ‘They’re totally BFFs now,’ she informs me. ‘He’s talking about promoting Zack already.’

  ‘But he’s crap,’ I reply – in bed and at his job.

  ‘I know, right? He’s also not happy about you taking vacation days.’

  ‘He approved them!’

  ‘Don’t shoot the messenger, Mia.’ Dalia searches around on the desk for something. ‘I have a list here of the changes you need to make. I will email you them. Make sure you do them, or he’ll have another reason to be mad at you.’

  ‘OK, sure. I’ll do it today.’

  ‘I bet the beaches there are crappy anyway, huh? Save the sunbathing for when you’re back home.’

/>   Our call comes to an end, and soon enough my to-do list flashes up on my screen. Boy, oh boy – this a lot of work considering I’m supposed to be on vacation.

  ‘Hello,’ Leo says as he enters the room. ‘Ready to hang out?’

  ‘Yes,’ I reply with a big smile on my face. I’m sure work can wait.

  Chapter 23

  Leo and I have been strolling along the beach and chatting for a little while now. It’s a lovely sunny day and the beach is busy with people sunbathing, walking their dogs and building sandcastles. Lots of people are splashing around in the sea, but the lifeguard on duty is one that I do not recognise, and have no intention of sleeping with – it’s a woman.

  Despite the lovely atmosphere, our conversation got pretty deep pretty quickly. One minute Leo was telling me about lunch with his mum, which soon turned into how close he is with her and ended with him telling me that his dad isn’t around any more. He didn’t go into the reasons why, and I didn’t want to press him, so to change the subject I explained to him that even though both my parents are still around, I’m no better off for it. It only took a few stories about the way my family treat me before Leo had a smile back on his face. I’m just glad my misery can bring joy to some people.

  ‘Do you want to grab a coffee?’ he asks, nodding towards Shell’s Café.

  ‘I’d love to,’ I reply, safe in the knowledge that Chris the lifeguard isn’t working today.

  It’s pretty busy in the café today, but that doesn’t stop Shell rushing over and giving me the kind of hug you usually reserve for old friends. Leo also receives the same treatment, despite this being the first time she has laid eyes on him.

  ‘Hello, hello,’ she says brightly. ‘Who is this? Is this your boyfriend?’ she asks, nodding towards Leo.

  Leo looks a little taken aback by her forwardness, but he looks amused at the same time.

  ‘Erm, no, he’s going to be best man at Belle’s wedding,’ I tell her, hoping to quash any awkwardness.

  An elderly couple are hovering around the counter so Shell signals that she’ll soon be over to serve them.

  ‘Let me take care of this couple and then I’ll come and take your order, get comfortable. Such a shame you’re not a couple,’ she mutters as she wanders off, ‘you’d make such beautiful babies.’

  Before either of us have a chance to say anything, we are interrupted by another voice.

  ‘Ah, but we’d make blonde babies, they’d be way cuter,’ Chris the lifeguard jokes in his unmistakable Australian accent.

  I laugh politely.

  ‘I can’t believe I’ve been so wrong all these years,’ Leo chimes in. ‘I thought Hitler was Austrian, not Australian.’

  Chris’s face falls, and I’m not sure whether I should laugh at the joke, change the subject or run outside and throw myself in the sea.

  For a moment, Chris and Leo stare at each other, like a standoff from a Western, only with impressive arm guns for weapons instead of, you know, gun-guns. Just as I am racking my brain for a suitable subject change, Chris saves me a job.

  ‘So are you all ready for the wedding?’ he asks.

  ‘Oh, I’m not sure things will ever be ready enough for Belle, but we’re getting there.’

  I take a seat at the nearest free table. Leo takes a seat on one side of me, and Chris on the other. They’re facing each other, which I’m sure they’re delighted about.

  ‘I’m looking forward to it,’ Chris enthuses. ‘I’ve even picked up a new shirt. Well, I can’t turn up in this, can I?’

  As always, Chris is shirtless and wearing his lifeguard shorts.

  ‘Oh good,’ I tease. ‘I was beginning to think you didn’t own other clothes.’

  ‘Well, it’s always so warm on the beach,’ Chris reasons, rubbing his hand across his muscular chest.

  ‘Yeah, it is warm today, isn’t it?’ Leo agrees, pulling his own shirt over his head.

  Their standoff resumes, only now it’s a shirt-off standoff.

  I glance at Leo, and then at Chris, and then back to Leo.

  ‘I think I’ll keep mine on,’ I joke, still trying to diffuse the situation.

  ‘That makes a change,’ Chris jokes, and I know that he’s making reference to a few perfectly innocent occasions, but this doesn’t go down well with Leo.

  ‘So, how come he’s going to be at the wedding?’ Leo asks me, which only seems to wind Chris up even more.

  ‘Haven’t you heard? I saved Mia’s life,’ he tells him.

  ‘Yeah, I heard about that,’ Leo replies sharply.

  ‘What can I say?’ Chris leans back and puts his hands behind his head. ‘If a beautiful lady needs help, I’m more than happy to give it to her.’ Chris gives me a cheeky wink, and all I can do is secretly wish that a tidal wave would come along and wipes us all out – this is so awkward. If I didn’t know better, I’d think Leo was getting jealous, but being the ladies’ man that he is, that’s impossible after a one night stand. As for Chris, I think he’s just enjoying winding him up.

  ‘Hello, hello,’ Shell beams as she comes over. She’s got a jar of jam in her hands and she’s struggling to open it as she talks to us. ‘If you let me know what you want, I’ll make a start on it after I’ve done this.’ She stops suddenly as she realises both Chris and Leo are shirtless, and that they’re both quite impressive in the muscle department.

  ‘Why am I struggling with this when there’s two strong men like you around who can do it for me?’ she asks, placing the jar smack bang in the middle of the table. My eyes go straight to the jar. Oh Shell, what have you just done?

  Everything seems to happen in super-slow motion, and I can hear the music from the finale of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly playing my head – it’s a lid-off standoff.

  Chris and Leo only stare at each other for a split second before both reaching for the jar at the same time. Their hands collide, which not only looks painful, but the jar gets pushed off the table and smashes all over the floor.

  The busy café falls silent at this loud noise, and Shell frowns.

  ‘Well, I could have done that myself.’

  ***

  ‘Well, that was weird,’ I eventually say. Leo and I are sat on the bench outside Shell’s Café and he’s holding a cider ice lolly on his hand.

  Leo doesn’t say anything, he just nods his head as he attempts to stretch his fingers out one at a time.

  ‘Please tell me it’s not broken. Belle will kill me if I’ve injured the best man.’

  ‘It’s fine,’ he laughs, taking the lolly out from its wrapper and giving it a lick. ‘It’s just a bit sore, I’ll be fine. I’m sure your friend will be, too.’

  His voice changes when he talks about Chris.

  ‘You didn’t like him, did you?’

  ‘Nope,’ Leo replies confidently as he licks his ice lolly.

  ‘Are you going to tell me why?’ I ask. I know it’s none of my business who Leo chooses to dislike, but that just seemed so unwarranted and out of character.

  ‘Are you sure you want to know?’ he asks, and now I definitely do, so I nod.

  Leo pauses for a moment and it’s almost as if he’s considering how to tell me.

  ‘This is going to sound really silly, but I was bullied by an Australian kid at school, and he just looked and acted exactly like a grown-up version of him so… I know that’s pathetic.’

  I know exactly the type of kid he means because I had my fair share of dealings with those types of boys at school. The thing with the “cool” boys is that you couldn’t help but fancy them a bit, with their good looks, cheeky charm and charisma… but it was a bittersweet crush, because boys like that are not nice to fat chicks. If Chris had known me at school, there’s no way he would’ve had anything to do with me and that’s why I don’t get too involved with the kind of guys I attract now. They may want me now, but I don’t want them for much.

  ‘It’s not pathetic,’ I assure him, grabbing his uninjured hand and rubbing it. ‘I wa
s bullied at school, I know what it’s like.’

  ‘You were bullied at school?’ he asks, and he couldn’t sound more surprised if he tried.

  ‘I could say the same to you. Why on earth would you get bullied?’ I ask.

  ‘I was a fat kid,’ Leo admits, sounding a little embarrassed, even though he looks perfect now.

  I can’t help but smile.

  ‘Oi, don’t laugh,’ he warns me after seeing my smile.

  ‘I’m not laughing at you,’ I insist.

  ‘Well you’re not laughing with me,’ he reminds me.

  ‘I’m just smiling because that’s exactly why I was bullied. I was a fat kid too.’

  Leo widens his eyes. ‘That’s the last reason I would have guessed you were bullied for,’ he tells me. I don’t ask what the other reasons were.

  ‘Yeah, well I don’t tell anyone about it. Ever. I only told you because you’re a fellow former fatty.’

  Leo laughs. ‘Well you’ll understand then – that guy just brought it all back for me. Imagine seeing your former bully now.’

  I pull a face, unsure whether or not I should say what I’m about to say.

  ‘What?’ he asks.

  I like to think that I’m a bigger person (so to speak) and that – to an extent – you should forgive and forget, but Nancy is still absolutely horrible to me, so why shouldn’t I tell Leo?

  ‘Nancy bullied me quite a lot when we were younger – Belle did too, although only after Nancy came onto the scene.’

  ‘Really?’ Leo asks, although he doesn’t sound too surprised. ‘No wonder you’re trying to ruin the wedding.’ I open my mouth to protest, but Leo doesn’t let me speak. ‘I’m joking, I’m joking,’ he insists with a big smile. ‘Well, I’m glad you told me.’ Leo squeezes me hand.

  I’m glad I told him too. I have never actually admitted that to anyone who I didn’t know before my image transformation – because I always worried that would be enough for them to judge me. For a while after I lost weight, I felt like some kind of imposter, like I’d changed on the outside but I was still that tubby little dork on the inside, and it would only be a matter of time before people realised that. But with great abs, comes great confidence, and I soon got over that.