Bad Bridesmaid Read online

  As Leo follows us in with Josh on his shoulders everyone drops their cutlery and starts asking questions. June and Steve rush over to see their son.

  ‘What happened?’ my auntie asks her son.

  ‘I fell,’ he tells her proudly. ‘I had to go to hospital and everything, it was so cool.’

  ‘It’s just a sprain,’ I interject. ‘The nurse says a couple of weeks and he’ll be back to normal.’

  ‘Just a sprain,’ my auntie echoes angrily. ‘And you took the word of a nurse? He needs to see a doctor.’

  ‘You know nurses are trained, right? They don’t just dish out uniforms to anyone who asks for one,’ I reply.

  ‘How did you fall?’ my uncle asks Josh, carefully lifting him down from Leo’s shoulders and sitting him at the table.

  ‘Mia and Leo took us to play laser tag, it was so cool,’ Josh chirps. Despite being hurt, he’s had the time of his life.

  ‘Seriously, Mia?’ Belle chimes in. ‘You thought laser tag was appropriate?’

  ‘It wasn’t Mia’s idea,’ Leo says. ‘A local recommended it.’

  ‘There’s a tramp who sits outside the amusement arcade who told me to kiss him on the whatsit, it doesn’t mean I did it,’ Dan’s mum tells the room.

  I let out a brief snort of laughter – I can’t help it.

  ‘This isn’t funny, Mia,’ my own mum warns me.

  ‘That was a little,’ Mike helpfully adds, but no one listens to him.

  ‘I trust you with my child after you let me down once,’ my auntie starts, ‘and you let me down a second time. This time damaging his body instead of his mind.’

  I sigh as I realise I don’t have a single ounce of energy left to defend myself with. Ever since I arrived, all I have done is defend myself for the stupidest reasons, and I’m tired of it.

  ‘It was a silly accident,’ Leo insists in my defence.

  ‘Don’t blame yourself, Leo, you’re a good man,’ Dan’s mum insists.

  ‘But I was there too,’ he insists, ‘so that means we’re equally to blame.’

  ‘This is just what Mia does,’ my auntie assures him. ‘She breaks things.’

  ‘Wow,’ Leo laughs to himself. ‘How can you blame Mia and not me? We were both there, she didn’t kick him or push him. I was the one chasing him at the time, so blame me, go on. Give Mia the night off.’

  The entire room seems a little taken aback by Leo’s angry rant, and for a moment no one knows what to say.

  ‘Unbelievable,’ he mutters to himself, storming out and slamming the door behind him.

  ‘I’m really sorry,’ Leo’s mum insists to the room, her face red with embarrassment – or maybe it’s anger. ‘I don’t know what’s gotten into him at the moment.’

  As Maria apologises on her son’s behalf, I could swear she shoots me a dirty look. Clearly unwanted at the dinner table, I decide to go after Leo and thank him for standing up for me.

  I eventually find Leo sitting on the beach behind the house.

  ‘Leo De Luca, you’re my hero,’ I laugh as I approach him.

  Leo smiles.

  ‘I shouldn’t have snapped like that, but you’re right, they’ve got it in for you.’

  ‘Mia Valentina.’ I curtsey proudly in front of him. ‘Public enemy number one.’

  ‘Why are they like that with you, seriously?’

  ‘I have no idea. When I was little, it was like I didn’t exist – and since moving away, it’s like I’m not a part of the family any more. Ah well.’

  I lie down on the sand next to Leo and look up at the beautiful sky. It’s only just starting to get dark, but the stars are out already. Leo lies back next to me.

  ‘I suppose your only close friends are in LA now?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I lie. I mean, I have lots of friends, but I wouldn’t say I had close friends. In all of the big movies I have written, the leading lady has always has a best friend that she can count on. They always come in different shapes and sizes, but everyone has someone. That’s not realistic though, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that the only person you should rely on is yourself.

  ‘Thank you for sticking up for me,’ I say, changing the subject.

  ‘No problem,’ Leo replies. ‘I thought maybe you were being oversensitive or exaggerating but something isn’t right with that lot.’

  ‘At least I’ve got you,’ I tell him, edging closer and resting my head on his chest. Neither of us says a thing, we just gaze up at the stars.

  Chapter 26

  Last night was fairly uneventful. I think people still hold me responsible for Josh’s ankle, but after Leo’s rant people are keeping pretty quiet on the subject. Leo is now public enemy number two by association. Even though everyone is treating him relatively well, he is being excluded from group activities. So am I, so we’re spending pretty much every minute together, keeping each other entertained. No, not like that! I’m still on my sex ban, remember. I don’t want to be blamed for anything else so I’ll see it through, get the wedding over with and then go home – and life can go back to normal. Belle is my only sister, so it’s not like I’ll be invited to any more weddings, and when she inevitably starts popping out babies I can’t imagine I’ll be invited to the christenings, lest I drown a baby or sleep with the vicar.

  It’s been really nice getting to know Leo, actually. It’s weird, we’ve developed this strong alliance or, dare I say it, friendship. It’s been a long time since I’ve established any kind of relationship with a member of the opposite sex, and I have to admit, I’m enjoying having Leo on my side.

  Yes, it’s been nice being excluded from wedding-based activities for a few hours, but today is the day of the stag and hen parties, so I’ll be dragged back in kicking and screaming.

  Leo got up early to go and work out on the beach. Working out is something I have been neglecting slightly since I got here. I’ve never been that great at making my own exercise – I couldn’t prance around on the beach like you see all the beautiful people in LA doing – I need a proper gym with machines that tell me how well I’m doing. I don’t exercise because I enjoy exercising, I exercise because I enjoy not being fat. With the female members of my family all being on the plump side – more so as they get older – it seems inevitable that my terrible genes will see me suffer a similar fate. Going to the gym, watching the dials on the machines telling me how long I have been working out, how far I’ve run, how many calories I have burned… that’s what I need. I need the numbers, the maths that shows me that my hard work will pay off. That’s all losing weight is – it’s a numbers game.

  Alone in Leo’s bed, I stretch out as fully as possible, occupying the entire bed in the shape of a starfish. It’s strange, but sharing a bed with Leo at one end and me at the other is oddly restricting. If I roll over too far to the right, I find myself face to face with his feet, and knowing that I’m prone to wiggling in the night I keep my back to him, terrified I might kick him in the face or something. I don’t get to relax for long before Belle bursts through the door.

  ‘Good morning,’ she says cheerily, placing a cup of coffee down next to me. ‘I brought you this.’

  I rub my eyes to make sure I’m not dreaming.

  ‘You… you managed to work the coffee machine?’ I ask, because it seems more polite to be surprised about her getting the machine working than the truth, the fact that she is being nice to me.

  ‘Oh no, no chance,’ she laughs. ‘It’s instant.’

  I am not usually a fan of instant coffee, but I am a fan of my sister treating me like a human being so I will drink every last drop.

  ‘Thank you,’ I tell her, sitting up and taking the mug in my hands.

  ‘So…’ I start, racking my brains for something to say. ‘How are you?’

  ‘I’m good. You?’

  ‘Not bad,’ I reply, sipping my coffee. It isn’t nice at all, and she’s loaded it with sugar, but I said I’d drink it so I will.

  Belle nods towards
Leo’s pillow at the bottom of the bed.

  ‘So this is really what’s going on, you two just sharing a bed, both sleeping at opposite ends?’ she asks.

  ‘Of course,’ I tell her honestly. ‘Is that why you’re here? To try and catch us shagging?’

  My sister shakes her head – not to say no, it’s because she disapproves of my language.

  ‘I told you I wouldn’t and I haven’t,’ I tell her. ‘Leo and I are just good friends. Really good friends,’ I add.

  ‘So you keep saying,’ my sister replies, ‘but the two of you seem way closer than just really good friends.’

  ‘And yet we sleep at opposite ends of the bed,’ I remind her.

  ‘Exactly, you’re more like a married couple than Dan and me,’ she laughs. A joke! My sister is being friendly with me suddenly. ‘And if you sleep with the guys you don’t care about, maybe this is what you do with the ones you do really care about.’

  ‘Shut up,’ I laugh. ‘So, what’s the plan for today?’

  ‘You tell me,’ she replies, smiling widely.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I ask.

  ‘My hen party, duh! You’re the head bridesmaid, it’s your job to arrange something. You have arranged something, haven’t you?’

  ‘Of course I have,’ I lie.

  ‘What?’

  ‘It’s a surprise, silly.’

  I’m not sure if my sister is buying it, but she’ll go mad if she knows I have overlooked this small detail. It never even crossed my mind that she expected me to sort this. Not only because I live in another country, but because I would have thought her actual friends would want to do it.

  ‘So what time should I be ready for?’ she asks.

  ‘Ten,’ I reply, and my sister frowns. ‘Sorry, I meant eight.’

  ‘Coolio,’ she replies. ‘I can’t wait to see what you’ve got planned.’

  ‘Neither can I,’ I say to myself as soon as my sister is out of earshot.

  ***

  ‘Morning, gorgeous,’ Leo says as he gets back from his workout. ‘Just going to have a shower.’

  ‘Can I borrow you for a minute,’ I ask, beckoning him over to the bed.

  ‘You know it will take more than a minute,’ he jokes. ‘You sure you want me any closer? I stink and I’m covered in sand.’

  ‘I’ll risk it,’ I laugh.

  Leo does as he is told but he doesn’t sit down on the bed, he just hovers next to me.

  ‘What’s up?’

  ‘You can’t tell anyone, but I didn’t realise it was my job to organise Belle’s hen party, so I haven’t sorted anything. She thinks I have. Have you arranged Dan’s stag do?’

  ‘Of course,’ he replies. ‘But we’re friends and he likes me.’

  I laugh.

  ‘I don’t know what to do. She brought me a coffee and as far as I can tell it wasn’t poisoned, but do keep an eye on me for the next few hours,’ I joke. ‘Honestly, Leo, she seemed so happy and excited. Despite the way things seem, I do want her wedding to go well, and I do want to make her happy.’

  ‘I know you do.’ Leo goes to hug me, before remembering that he’s filthy. It was a nice thought though.

  ‘Even if I do find somewhere to go, I don’t have any of the usual tacky hen party junk you’re supposed to have. I need inflatable men and L plates.’

  ‘Look, don’t panic. Let me grab a shower, and then I’ll get my mum on board, she’ll be happy to help. She can go buy your inflatables while you sort somewhere to go.’

  ‘Are you sure she won’t mind?’ I ask.

  ‘I’m certain. I’m her only son, she can’t say no to me,’ he laughs.

  ‘Leo, thank you so much.’

  ‘What are friends for?’ he asks, pecking me on the forehead before heading off for a shower.

  I’m not used to having a friend like Leo, but I’m glad that I do. If I can just find a venue, then we’ll be sorted. Today was my last proper chance to get any work done before the wedding, but I guess it will have to wait. I’ve got a hen party to plan.

  ***

  The plan that Leo and I came up with should have been foolproof, but when a suspicious Nancy pressed me for the name of where we were going in front of Belle, I had to think fast. As luck would have it, when we were out with Josh and Max the other day we passed a pub called The Cock Inn, and for some reason the name just stuck with me.

  ‘Oh how funny,’ Belle’s friend Heather said at the time, thinking it was going to be some sort of smutty, hen-friendly joint, but now, as our party barge through the doors of The Cock, it’s no laughing matter.

  The place is quiet, and filled exclusively with men much older than us. The only real noise is coming from a particularly drunk older gentleman who is performing an excruciatingly bad rendition of Elvis Presley’s ‘Always on My Mind’ with all the seriousness of an X Factor contestant.

  ‘Mia, this is an old man pub,’ Nancy moans.

  ‘Don’t be so quick to judge,’ I snap. ‘I’m told this is the place to be when it gets late.’

  ‘And which opportunistic rapist told you that?’ she scoffs.

  ‘Anyway,’ I ignore her comment. ‘I’ll get the drinks in,’ I say, trying to inject some cheer into my voice. ‘What’s everyone having?’

  At the hen party tonight it’s just me, Belle and her friends Nancy, Heather and Beth. Thankfully the older female relatives decided that they would sit this one out and I daren’t petition for my oldest cousin, Hannah, to tag along. There is not much in the way of eye candy here. This is clearly no place for tourists, it’s a cliquey local pub for local people, and the old pint-drinking fellows don’t look too pleased to have us here.

  ‘Hello,’ I say brightly to the man behind the bar. ‘How are you?’

  He snorts, and the patrons propping up the bar share a laugh.

  ‘Anyway,’ I continue, ‘what kind of wine do you have?’

  ‘Red or white,’ the man laughs as he scratches his chin through his big, shaggy, grey beard.

  I think for a moment. There’s no way we can go anywhere else, not without Belle realising I never had anything planned in the first place. I don’t know where else we could go, and I don’t fancy my chances roaming the streets trying to find another venue when it could be just as bad as this place. I need to stay in Belle’s good books and for now that means making the most of this place.

  ‘I’ll take a couple of bottles of each, please,’ I reply, flashing him my biggest smile. The barman does as he is told – well he’s not about to turn away money, is he? But I am no sooner sat at the table with the rest of a party when a beast of a man approaches us. He’s the tallest man I have ever seen, or maybe he just seems it because he’s very intimidating-looking and I am sitting down. He has messy, dark hair and a bushy beard, like so many of the other men here. He smells awful, like tobacco and soil, but I’m not about to tell him so.

  ‘Hello,’ I say as cheerily as I can.

  ‘Hello,’ he replies. ‘What’s five young ladies like you doing in a place like this?’

  ‘It’s my hen party,’ Belle offers bravely.

  ‘I guessed as much when I saw all the cocks,’ he replies, causing Belle to wince at his choice of words.

  When Leo had said his mum would go out shopping for hen party supplies, I hadn’t expected her to come back with such penis-based stuff. I was thinking L plates and silly hats – and maybe a token, understated penis of some kind because my sister might be OK with just one, because it’s practically tradition. What Maria came back from the shops with were penis-shaped straws, shot glasses on necklaces, headbands with dicks on and a variety of name badges that say inappropriate, and not even remotely clever things – my own says ‘My name is Mia and I like big dicks’. My first instinct was to take everything outside and burn it before Belle saw, but she walked in on me bagging it up and she was delighted with it all. I suppose she’s less of a prude when it’s a wedding tradition.

  ‘We’ve been talking, and we think
you should leave,’ the big man says. ‘This is no place for little girls.’

  ‘We’re not as little as we look,’ I joke. ‘We’ll be fine.’

  ‘No, you’ll be leaving now, and you can leave your drinks here.’

  The girls begin to gather their things, but I’m not going to be forced out of a public place so easily.

  ‘You don’t look like much of a wine drinker,’ I reply.

  ‘I’m not,’ he laughs, ‘but we’re keeping it, and you’re going.’

  ‘When we’re done,’ I reply firmly, although as cool and calm as I may appear on the outside, I’m terrified on the inside. It seems like a great length to go to, just to stay in Belle’s good books. I imagine she’ll like me even less if her hen party turns into a bar fight.

  ‘It’s not worth it, let’s go somewhere else,’ Belle pleads with me.

  ‘You want to listen to her, Mia,’ the big guys says, clocking my name badge. ‘You like big dicks, do you?’

  Every bone in my body is telling me that the right thing to do is get out of here as fast as possible. But I don’t.

  ‘Well, I don’t like you,’ I reply. ‘And I can see why they call this place the Cock Inn.’ There are mixed reactions from the room. Some of the men look shocked, some laugh, the man singing karaoke has stopped to see how things play out and my own friends are just staring at me with their mouths’ wide open.

  The big guy stares at me, cocking his head as he thinks things over.

  ‘You think you’re tough, don’t you.’

  ‘I’m tougher than you,’ I reply, because there’s no turning back now. ‘Why don’t you want us to stay? Is it because my girls and I could drink you and your beardy boys under the table?’

  ‘You really believe that, don’t you?’ he laughs, and all his friends laugh with him.

  ‘I do,’ I reply confidently.

  ‘Well let’s make this more interesting,’ he suggests. ‘We’ll have a competition. If you win, not only can you stay, but I’ll pay for your drinks all evening.’

  ‘And if we lose?’ I ask.

  ‘You’d better hope you win,’ he warns.

  I can hear Belle, Nancy, Heather and Beth all begging me to back down but if there’s one thing I hate, it’s men who think they are better than women.