How Not to be a Bride Read online

  ‘Where on earth did he get that? He’s only 14,’ my mum says, horrified.

  I know my auntie is dull and way too uptight with her kids, but that is actually terrible. I can’t believe my baby cousin is doing drugs. I really never would’ve thought he’d be the type. He might be your typical, video-game-playing, adult-ignoring, horrible teenager now, but he’s always been such a sweet kid. I can’t believe it.

  ‘Oh, it wasn’t real,’ my auntie explains. ‘It was toilet roll. I asked him why he took such a photo and he said it was “just a joke for Snapchat” – it had some kind of number code on it, maybe a hidden message.’

  I swallow my cocktail the wrong way, spluttering as I laugh to myself.

  ‘Was it 420?’ I ask.

  ‘Yes,’ she says quickly. ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘420 blaze it,’ I laugh. ‘No? Its just a joke, he’s just trying to be funny.’

  ‘I don’t think it’s funny,’ my auntie says seriously. ‘I suppose you do?’

  ‘I mean, I get the joke,’ I tell her. ‘He’s just being a silly kid, don’t worry. You can’t get high rolling up an Andrex.’

  My auntie shakes her head.

  ‘Look, I hate to say this,’ she starts, and I just know that, if she’s saying it, she’s happy to say it. ‘But I seem to remember a certain someone letting him watch a Quentin Tarantino movie when he was just ten years old…’

  ‘Oh my God, you’re never going to let that go, are you?’ I say. ‘So I let the kid watch Pulp Fiction – I don’t even think anyone smokes a joint in that film. It’s mostly cocaine they’re doing. If he starts snorting lines of talcum powder in the bathroom, then you can blame me.’

  No one is amused by this, apart from my granddad who chuckles subtly.

  ‘I’m going to go and find Leo,’ I announce as I push my chair back, carefully readjusting my dress to make sure I don’t flash anyone. Well, that’s one of the things about strapless dresses – one false move and there’s nothing to hold them in place.

  Tonight I’m wearing a black Alexander McQueen dress with mesh panels that I think is beautiful, but which my mum deemed inappropriate for a family wedding. I bought this dress back when I was living in LA, when I could afford dresses like this. So, sure, it’s like five years old, but it’s couture and it fits, so I’m happy. I feel a little bit like the old me – just enough to make me happy.

  ‘Mind if I borrow him?’ I ask Belle, who is still dancing with Leo.

  ‘Sure,’ she replies. ‘I could do with a drink anyway.’

  ‘You cutting in?’ Leo asks me.

  ‘Erm, more like cutting you out,’ I tell him. ‘Let’s find somewhere to sit, that isn’t near anyone I’m related to, and chill out?’

  ‘Sure,’ he replies.

  The dance floor is in the centre of the room, under a large disco ball, pinging off different coloured lights in all directions. Making a ring around the dance floor are the tables we all sat at to eat; then, around the edges of the room, a few sofas are dotted. Leo and I find one away from everyone else and sit down. Leo sits back with one arm stretched out along the back edge of the sofa, so I cuddle into him, resting my head on his chest.

  ‘So, promise me we’re having a chimney sweep at our wedding,’ he says.

  ‘Oh God, wasn’t that weird? My granddad says it’s tradition, for luck.’

  ‘The funniest bit about it is that, during the song, when we were all pretending they were chimneys and dancing around them, he gave Rosie a kiss – but because he had all that black stuff smeared on his face, he left her looking like she had a black goatee. They mustn’t have had a dress rehearsal, because she was fuming when she realised.’

  ‘So, we’ll probably give that a miss on our big day,’ I laugh.

  ‘They make a cute couple, right? I mean, he’s a dick, but he makes her happy,’ Leo muses.

  ‘Yeah. Mr and Mrs Ryan – Rosie Ryan,’ I say, to see how it sounds out loud.

  ‘Sounds like a superhero… or a porn star… or both,’ he laughs.

  ‘It does,’ I giggle. ‘But it works.’

  ‘Does Mia De Luca work?’ he asks.

  ‘Erm, it just sounds like something an Italian would say,’ I laugh.

  ‘Well, it’s something this Italian is going to be saying for the rest of his life.’

  Leo smiles, until he notices the look on my face.

  ‘What’s up?’ he asks.

  ‘Nothing,’ I lie.

  ‘Mia, I know when you’re lying, your voice gets much higher.’

  I bite my lip as I wonder whether now is the time or the place to tell the truth.

  ‘Well, I’ve been thinking, and I’ll probably just keep my name.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because it’s my name,’ I say.

  ‘Your real name or your fake name?’ Leo asks.

  I grew up Mia Harrison, but when I moved to LA and reinvented myself, I legally changed my name to Mia Valentina, because I thought it sounded more the part. Now that I’m writing novels for a living, Mia Valentina makes a great pen name too. I just feel like it’s my name. It’s my identity and I’ve worked hard for the achievements and reputation that go along with it.

  ‘My “fake” name is my real name, you know that,’ I remind him.

  ‘Hmm,’ he says, taking his arm from around me.

  ‘What?’ I ask.

  ‘I just think it’s interesting… it seems to me like you haven’t thought about getting married at all – other then deciding you don’t want to take my name.’

  ‘Hey.’ I turn my body to face Leo, placing my hand lightly on his cheeks. ‘Leo, I love you so much, and I’m so hyped to marry you. And I know you think I’m not thinking about our wedding but… I’m going to a wedding fair next weekend.’

  ‘Really?’ he asks, looking visibly relieved.

  ‘Yeah, Belle came over last weekend and brought me a stack of wedding magazines, and told me about the fair, so I’m gonna go.’

  ‘That’s awesome,’ he replies. ‘I’ll come with you.’

  ‘Are you sure you want to? Aren’t you working?’

  ‘Nope,’ he replies. ‘And I’ve love to come. I’m just so relieved. For a second, I was worried you hadn’t been thinking about the wedding at all.’

  I grab Leo and kiss him to reassure him that I love him. I do love him, so much. I’ve just been so busy and so distracted, but I will go to this wedding fair and I’ll make a start on planning the wedding, and it’s all going to be great. I just need to make more of an effort, to show him I’m serious.

  Chapter Eight

  Yesterday I went to a wedding fair with Leo, so today I am browsing for jobs online, because weddings are so expensive and my unreliable income isn’t making me feel confident about being able to get married next summer, like we planned.

  Everything at the fair was just so expensive and, for the most part, so stupid. I appreciate that rings, venue hire, food and drink are very expensive but unavoidable costs of getting married. But things like giant chocolate fountains, men who pose as topiary and to-scale ice sculptures that look like the happy couple are just excessive.

  To say that it was just a money issue would be a lie. The truth is that working from home is so boring, and I spend so much time alone, that I think it would do me good to find a job in a place where I could make friends and see people every day. On quieter days the only person I see is Leo, and if you knew what a social butterfly I used to be, you’d know how hard I’m finding spending so much time alone these days.

  So far, I’m not having much luck. I’ve looked at all kinds of writing jobs, from journalist jobs to copywriting gigs, but there’s nothing. On the off-chance, I even looked at the film and TV section, just in case anyone was looking for a writer of any description, but the only two jobs that came up were looking for actors, one listing looking for movie extras and the other staff for an escape game – and neither of these things appeal to me.

  I grab the Play
station controller and fire up Netflix with the intention of putting something on in the background, but you know how it is with Netflix – sometimes you’ll spend longer trying to choose something to watch than you will actually watching something. In the end it’s just easier to put Gossip Girl on for my third re-watch, because there’s no ailment that can’t be cured by a little exposure to Chuck Bass.

  It only takes a few minutes of observing the lavish lifestyles of the Upper East Siders before I start feeling bad about my surroundings. Our living room has looked worse, much worse, but it definitely looks better now we have flooring down and clean white walls, just a blank canvas ready for us to make our own. But I’m surrounded by boxes, most of them being used as furniture, and it’s been so long since we moved in I couldn’t confidently tell you what was in them any more.

  I look over the job listings in the area generally, running a hand through my messy bed hair as I rule out being an army officer (just try and imagine a girly girl like me doing a job like that), a code coordinator (I have no idea what that is) or a bartender (sadly, although I have many hours of experience, they’re all on the wrong side of the bar). My fingers catch in a knot in my hair, which I’m careful to untangle. I need to go and slather my locks in coconut oil because I’m fairly sure that’s what’s helping it grow back so quickly and so much stronger than it was. I’ll probably cover myself in coconut oil, for good measure, because I don’t think I know of a health or beauty problem that coconut oil hasn’t been hyped as the solution for. Chuck Bass and coconut oil – that’s all I need.

  Once again, the listing for a ‘Games Master’ at Houdini’s Escape Rooms comes up. I don’t really know too much about escape games, but I imagine they’re exactly as they sound. You lock people up and they try and escape for fun, right? The listing says its minimum wage and zero hours, but this could be exactly the kind of gig I need to fit in around my writing commitments; it could be fun, and could make me the extra wedding money I need. The application says to send in a CV with relevant experience, but I don’t suppose I have any. I’ve just always been a writer, ever since I graduated.

  I glance at my watch; it’s 17:35. Looking up Houdini’s, I see that they’re open until late, and it’s only a short walk away – why don’t I go scope the place out and see what I make of it?

  After washing my hair and applying my make-up, I open up my wardrobes (cardboard boxes) and see what I can find. An oversize black jumper dress and a pair of black over-the-knee boots seem like the right kind of thing, given how cold it is outside. I grab my leather jacket, pile on the rose-gold accessories (and my engagement ring, of course) and I’m good to go.

  I am just about to walk out of the door when my mobile starts ringing. It’s my agent, Lindsey.

  ‘Hello,’ I say, answering quickly, terrified there’s a problem with the manuscript I stressed myself out to finish on time.

  ‘Hello, Mia, how are you?’ she asks brightly.

  ‘Great, ta. How are you?’

  ‘I’m doing well, thank you. I just wanted to let you know that Tamara is reading your manuscript and she’s really enjoying it, and I’ve already finished it and I think it’s great – maybe your best yet.’

  I let out a huge sigh of relief. I’m pretty sure Lindsey tells me every book I write is my best work yet, but I do feel like she believes in me, and it’s always good news to hear that Tamara, my editor, is enjoying it too. Having a strong team around you, rooting for you and doing everything they can to make your books a success, is just as important as the writing itself – what does it matter if you’ve written an amazing book if no one reads it?

  ‘That’s great news, thank you,’ I tell her.

  ‘So, what are you going to do now?’ she asks. ‘Take a little time off?’

  ‘I wish,’ I reply. ‘I’ve got a wedding to pay for – I’m actually job hunting.’

  ‘What?’ Lindsey squeaks. ‘Mia, you’re an amazing writer, so early in your career as a novelist. The money gets better.’

  ‘In time for my wedding or my next cripplingly expensive trip to Ikea?’ I laugh awkwardly. ‘It’s not just that; I get so bored between books. Everyone is at work and there’s no one to have any fun with…’

  ‘Listen, Mia, I’m putting forward a few of my clients for a job – it’s nonfiction, but I feel like you could be great for it. Shall I put you forward?’

  ‘What is it?’ I ask.

  ‘It’s a ghostwriting job,’ she tells me. ‘It will pay very well – two authors have dropped out already, so it won’t be easy. Let’s leave it at that – I don’t want to get your hopes up.’

  I can’t help but pull a face. There’s no way a romcom writer like me is going to get a nonfiction gig that two other authors have already dropped out of, and even if I could, why would I want to work with someone who sounds so difficult? It would have to pay really well.

  I finish my call and head for the door. Obviously I’d much rather have a writing job but I’ve got a wedding to pay for – and maybe the way to do this is by locking people up.

  Chapter Nine

  It turns out that Houdini’s has always been under my nose, but – funnily enough – has always escaped my attention. It’s right in the town centre, above a sports bar I’ve been in a couple of times. You can’t really tell too much about it from the outside so I’ve popped inside to have a look, but the room I’ve walked into looks like a dentist’s waiting room.

  ‘Hello?’ I call out. ‘Hello…’

  A young girl pops out from around a corner, causing me to jump out of my skin.

  ‘Welcome to Houdini’s my name is Jezebel how can I help you?’ she sings, without a single pause in her sentence.

  ‘Er, hi,’ I start, unsure what to say.

  ‘Do you have a game booked?’ she asks.

  Jezebel is an interesting character. She’s rocking a scene-queen look I haven’t seen since 2005, with her big, black hair complete with side-swept fringe, punky, ripped clothing and multiple facial piercings.

  She has her septum pierced, you know, kind of like a bull has, and I can’t stop staring at it. It must get in the way, surely? It works with her look, though. I’m not sure I could pull it off. When I was younger I was desperate for a nose ring but my mum wouldn’t let me have one. That’s why, the second I turned 16, I went to the local piercing place with my best friend so we could get matching nose rings done. It was all going so well until I watched my friend get hers done and passed out. I soon changed my mind.

  ‘I just popped in to have a look. I saw the listing for the Games Master job online and I…’

  ‘Oh, sweet,’ she says. ‘I’m the manager, at the mo. The previous guy had to leave, we had to get the police involved – major drama in the office. So I’m just kind of winging it, but we’re short-staffed and looking for cool new peeps. Do you live nearby?’

  ‘Yeah, just up on Prince Street,’ I tell her.

  ‘No way, me too,’ she squeaks, giving my arm a playful punch. ‘What you studying?’

  ‘Erm, I’ve already graduated,’ I tell her honestly.

  ‘Ahh, right. This summer just gone? I’m only a second-year. Wouldn’t have pegged you as much older than I am.’

  If Jezebel is a second-year, that makes her 20 years old, maybe? I know I look young for my age, but if I’m passing for 14 years younger than I am, I’m on to a winner.

  ‘How about I introduce you to the others in the office and then show you around, see if you dig the place?’

  ‘Erm, OK, sure,’ I reply. I’ve only ever had writing jobs where I had to submit my portfolio or a pitch beforehand, but is this how job hunting goes in the real world? You just show up at a place and they start you off, no questions asked. She hasn’t even asked me my name yet…

  ‘Follow me, doll,’ she says, taking me by the hand as she leads me into the office.

  Inside the office is a long, banana-shaped desk with five people sitting at five computers, all wearing headsets. Some are
engrossed in the games they are spectating, others are chatting and messing around.

  ‘That guy down the end, that’s Rich. He’s a music student – don’t worry, you don’t have to pay as much attention to the games as he is. Oi, Rich.’

  A skinny, dark-haired guy with thick, black-rimmed glasses looks up to wave at me before instantly getting back to his game.

  ‘Hi,’ I say, but he’s way too busy to give me too much attention.

  ‘These two in the middle, practically smashing at the desk, are Bully and Hayley. Guys, this is… did you tell me your name?’ she asks me.

  ‘Sorry, it’s Mia,’ I say, bemused by it all. I really didn’t expect to just waltz in here and be given a job.

  To say that Bully and Hayley were smashing would be classed as an exaggeration. Hayley has her chair to one side, with her legs draped over Bully’s. He keeps running his hand up her leg, from her ankle all the way to her inner thigh, but that’s as close to smashing as it gets.

  ‘This beautiful lady here is Lea, she’s a student too – we’re all students. Well, except for you, Mia.’

  ‘What did you study?’ Lea asks me, effortlessly multitasking chatting to me, texting and running a game.

  ‘English literature,’ I tell her.

  ‘I nearly picked that,’ she tells me. ‘I went for film in the end. I just prefer movies to books, y’know?’

  ‘Yeah, me too,’ I reply.

  ‘Why’d you choose lit then?’ she laughs.

  I just laugh it off, rather than explain that I mean I prefer writing movies to writing books.

  Lea has her long brown hair wound up in a bun on top of her head. She’s definitely dressed casually; in fact, I think it would be fair to say that she’s wearing her pyjama pants to work today.

  ‘And last but not least, this is Sam. He’s a first-year, studying PE, which – is that even a real subject? I don’t think so.’

  Sam gets up from his seat to shake my hand. He’s tall and skinny with messy blond hair. He’s wearing shorts, even though it’s November, but he’s had the good sense to pair them with a jumper, just in case he gets cold.