Bad Bridesmaid Read online

  ‘Neither am I,’ he admits. ‘So no boyfriend then?’

  Leo takes a seat next to me on the bed.

  ‘Nope. I’m not really a boyfriend kind of girl. Do you have a girlfriend?’

  ‘No, no girlfriend,’ Leo admits. ‘I’m too busy, what with saving people’s lives for a living.’

  ‘Subtle,’ I laugh.

  I have only known Leo a matter of minutes but I can tell that we’re going to get on just fine – like a house on fire, if you’ll pardon the pun. It sounds like we have a lot in common: he puts his job before silly weddings, he isn’t committed to a girlfriend and, with a body like he’s got, I imagine his eating and exercising habits aren’t too different to mine. This is exactly what I need to get me through the next few days – someone just like me who has to endure all this wedding crap too.

  For a moment, we just stare into each other’s green eyes. Perhaps Leo is thinking the same as me, thanking the weddings gods for providing him with an ally.

  Before I have a chance to break the silence, Leo takes my chin in between his thumb and index finger and brings my mouth to his for a kiss. It is only a brief kiss, but as our lips part it feels like a magnet is trying to pull my face back towards his.

  ‘I’ve never kissed a fireman before,’ I tell him in my sexiest tone of voice.

  ‘Neither have I,’ he replies. ‘How was it?’

  ‘Hot.’

  Leo smiles at my fire pun.

  ‘So, can I do it again?’

  ‘OK,’ I reply. ‘But like you mean it this time.’

  Luscious Leo the fireman doesn’t need telling twice. He grabs me by my hips and sits me on his lap with the ease of someone who boasts the same muscle mass as Superman. This time we’re kissing passionately, and we’re not stopping any time soon.

  With my date with Chris the lifeguard not going exactly to plan, I knew that I was going to have to find myself another special friend to get me through my time here without losing my mind. What I hadn’t bargained on was someone as gorgeous as Leo falling into my lap, or rather, me falling onto his.

  Leo runs a hand gently up my back and unties the bikini that only ten minutes ago I was trying so hard to keep on. I reach down and fidget with Leo’s belt as we kiss but it’s a tough one to get off, especially without looking. Not wanting to waste a second, Leo takes matters into his own hands, whips off his belt and unbuttons his jeans, and just in case I might struggle with his T-shirt too he pulls it over his head, throws it across the room and gets straight back to kissing me. In the few seconds I had to look at his body I was more than impressed. Let’s just say he makes Chris the lifeguard look like a beached whale.

  Lifeguards, firemen, it’s all saving lives, isn’t it? And that’s exactly what I need right now – I am on suicide watch, after all.

  Chapter 17

  You know what? I’m actually proud of myself for finally taking my role as bridesmaid seriously. Well, by taking it seriously I mean I have had sex with the best man – that’s practically a wedding tradition. At least that’s how I’ll explain it to Belle if she finds out. That girl seems more concerned with my sex life than I am, which can only lead me to think that whatever she has going on between the sheets with Dan is underwhelming. It’s funny, because with Dan being stuck between the sheets for the past few days I had almost forgotten he was here – and it’s his wedding.

  Dan isn’t a bad-looking lad. He’s isn’t exactly the fittest person I have ever seen (Leo is, just in case you were wondering how he compares to the buffed up actors and Muscle Beach regulars I’m used to associating with) but he isn’t exactly fat. Dan has very short dark hair – I imagine he goes to one of those barbers where they only offer one style – and his dress sense is a mixture of Adidas, Nike and Puma.

  A little pillow talk (well, bedroom floor talk) with Leo taught me that he and Dan grew up on the same street together and have been friends for as long as he can remember. I learned that Leo is twenty-eight years old, that he has only just arrived because he had to work up until yesterday, and that he has come with his mum, Maria, who is a friend of Dan’s family.

  My little hook-up with Leo has left me with a smile on my face that will take a long time to wear off – something I’m hoping will serve me well because it’s dinner time and according to the boys everyone still thinks I tried to kill myself out of envy.

  ‘Hello everyone,’ I chirp as I enter the dining room. Once again, I am the last person to take my seat at the table.

  As I sit down between my granddad and Mum, I notice that everyone else already has their food in front of them – pasta with ham and peas. Luckily I don’t need to say anything because Belle is walking towards me with my plate.

  ‘Mia, I know you’re watching your weight so I made you a version without the carbs,’ she announces loudly so the whole room can hear all about her grand gesture. She places the plate down in front of me.

  ‘Oh, thank you,’ I say, the enthusiasm in my voice fading as I realise she has presented me with a plate of chopped ham and peas.

  Belle smiles triumphantly as she sits down – I suppose this is to teach me some sort of lesson, well she’s not going to win this one. I pick up my fork and begin happily munching away, much to my sister’s annoyance.

  ‘Mia, you missed the introductions because you were late for dinner – again.’ My sister pulls an unimpressed face. ‘This is Maria, she is a friend of Dan’s family.’

  I say hello and wave to a little lady with short, dark, curly hair. Unlike most of the people from Dan’s side, Maria seems friendly.

  ‘And this is her son, Leo. He’s Dan’s best man,’ Belle informs me. It’s probably best I play along rather than admit we have already met.

  ‘Hello Leo,’ I say coolly.

  ‘Hi,’ he replies.

  For a moment we exchange knowing looks, but not long enough for anyone else to notice. This is our private joke, and if it stays that way then things will run much smoother while I’m marooned on this beach with no one but my family and perfect strangers to keep me company.

  ‘Let’s all do something fun tomorrow,’ Dan’s older brother Mike says to everyone. ‘Let’s all go to the beach and play games or something.’

  ‘Everyone but your brother,’ Belle reminds him. ‘He is stuck is bed, after all.’

  There you go, she’s mentioned it again.

  ‘Come on, future sister-in-law,’ Mike starts. ‘The kids will love it and it’s better than us all sitting down for a screening of Pulp Fiction.’

  All the adults in the room stare at me as they are reminded of my little error in judgement, but Josh takes this as his cue to do his best Christopher Walken impression.

  ‘I hid this up my ass for two years,’ he says, and although it isn’t word-perfect, it’s actually a pretty good impression – this kid has a future in performing arts.

  Leo and his mum look confused by Josh’s sudden outburst.

  ‘Mia put on a movie with adult themes for the children,’ Dan’s mum explains, bringing them up to speed.

  ‘Hey, that makes it sound much worse than it was,’ I can’t help but complain. I turn to Leo and his mum to clarify. ‘We watched Pulp Fiction, and they really liked it. It’s not that bad.’

  ‘Young lady,’ Dan’s mum starts, and I can tell already that I am not going to get off lightly here, ‘the day your nephew replies to something you say with “I double dare you, motherfucker” is the day you can have an opinion on what is not that bad when it comes to children.’

  Everyone is taken aback by Dan’s prim little mum saying “motherfucker” but I can’t help but find it hilarious, and the more I laugh the more others feel it is OK for them to laugh too. Mike starts laughing at his mum, all the kids join in and Leo appears to be stifling a chuckle too.

  ‘Mia,’ my sister snaps. ‘Respect your elders.’

  ‘Sorry.’ I go back to eating my peas.

  ‘Everyone knows how to play rounders, right?’ Mike persists. ‘
It will be fun.’

  Mike flashes me a cheeky smile, and I flash him one back for changing the topic of conversation back to something much less hostile. As we break eye contact I notice that our little exchange of looks did not go unnoticed by Leo.

  ‘Rounders it is,’ my granddad says, also keen to diffuse the situation.

  As people begin chatting amongst themselves I can feel Dan’s mum’s eyes burning into me. Boy, does she look angry. This is my first proper interaction with Harriet Ryan, if you don’t count our first meeting when she reluctantly shook my hand – but I hadn’t expected her to so keenly join the club of women who hate me. Still, my sister, mum, auntie and gran will be pleased to have a new member.

  ***

  It’s another beautiful day today, perfect for the family game of rounders I absolutely do not want to play.

  Belle is frying breakfast for almost everyone, apart from Leo who is working out on the beach, so I decide to pop out and see him, a man after my own (very healthy) heart.

  ‘Good morning,’ I call over at Leo, who is all sweaty from running.

  ‘Hello,’ he replies, sitting down on the sand and patting the spot next to him inviting me to join him. ‘I won’t kiss you because I stink.’

  ‘Not to worry, I’ll get you later,’ I laugh. ‘I was actually looking for you last night, I wanted to explain what all that was about at the dinner table.’

  Leo smiles as he stares at me expectantly. I just need to put the situation with my family into simple terms and he won’t think I’m weird.

  ‘Everybody hates me,’ I explain. So much for not sounding weird, I feel like a dorky teenager again.

  ‘It’s OK,’ Leo laughs, and I feel instantly relieved. ‘I’m an only child so I’ve been spoilt stupid my whole life, but it’s obvious to an outsider that your parents worship your sister. Not that I’m saying they don’t love you – I mean, it’s her wedding, people are bound to be fussing around her more.’

  ‘It’s fine, you don’t need to try and make me feel better.’ I smile, touched by Leo’s words. ‘But honestly, everyone here hates me.’

  ‘Well, I don’t hate you,’ he replies as he rubs my knee fondly. ‘I like you a lot.’

  I smile for a moment, but then it hits me. He likes me a lot – what does that mean? When he said he didn’t have time for a girlfriend and then put the moves on me within minutes of meeting me I assumed he was like me, not looking for a commitment, never getting too close to anyone… I would never tell anyone that I liked them a lot, not even my family – although I suppose that is because I don’t like them at all.

  ‘Listen.’ I quickly move my knee from under Leo’s hand. ‘You’re a great guy and everything, and I really enjoyed yesterday. I’m just not looking for anything more than casual sex,’ I explain. In my head this makes perfect sense but when I say it out loud it always sounds bad.

  ‘Oh, I was just trying to make you feel better about everyone in that house hating you,’ Leo laughs. ‘I don’t want anything more than your body.’

  ‘You promise me you don’t want me for my mind?’ I tease, instantly relieved he doesn’t want any kind of relationship.

  ‘I promise,’ he laughs. ‘I won’t respect you afterwards, not even a little.’

  I plant a kiss on his sweaty cheek.

  ‘Good,’ I reply. ‘Well, I’ll leave you to your exercise. See you at the big rounders game.’ I give Leo a faux enthusiastic double thumbs-up.

  Before I get to the house I turn around and watch Leo doing press-ups. Rather than go inside and inhale the calories from Belle’s cooking I think I’ll stay out here, you know, just to spot Leo while he works out. What are friends (with benefits) for?

  Chapter 18

  ‘You’re up, Nancy,’ Mike calls out.

  ‘Stupid game,’ Nancy mutters to herself as she picks up a bat ready for her turn.

  I wait patiently to bowl as Nancy does a few stalling stretches.

  Mike could only manage to talk the under thirties into playing today (with the exception of Dan, who is stuck in bed – in case you hadn’t heard), but luckily that made twelve of us, which is perfect for a game of rounders.

  Bridezilla got to pick the teams, deciding it should be boys against girls. The only problem was that there are seven girls and five boys, so Belle decided that as the most “boy-like” I should be on the boys’ team. She was probably trying to insult me, but I’m delighted to be with the guys instead of the girls. So it’s me, Mike, Leo, Josh, Max and Jason against Belle, Hannah, Meg, Beth, Nancy and Heather – well, it was supposed to be, but as the sun came out Belle retired to the tent she has pitched on the beach so that she can hide from the dangerous rays that are hell-bent on burning her before the big day.

  ‘OK, ready,’ Nancy moans reluctantly.

  I bowl her a good ball but it goes straight past her and into Mike’s hands.

  ‘No-ball,’ she calls out.

  ‘Just because you miss it, doesn’t make it a no-ball,’ Mike informs her.

  ‘That was a no-ball,’ she insists. ‘Throw it again. I play by English rules, I’m not changing the way I play just because Mia is here.’

  ‘What are you talking about? You missed,’ I tell her sharply.

  ‘The teams aren’t even fair, there are six of you and only five of us,’ she whines.

  ‘Not that that could’ve had anything to do with you missing the ball,’ I start, ‘but you’re only a player down because Belle is hiding in her tent.’

  ‘Well, I’m not playing until the teams are fair,’ she says stubbornly, sitting down on the sand.

  Mike shrugs his shoulders and no one else has anything else to say on the matter.

  ‘Fine,’ I say as I storm off towards the tent, where I find my sister reading a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey.

  ‘Wow, really?’ I can’t help but blurt out. She’s a prude as far as my behaviour is concerned, but she’s happy to read a bit of filth.

  ‘What do you want?’ Belle asks, far too engrossed in her book to look up.

  ‘Can you please come and join in, or tell Nancy to shut the fuck up or something, she’s ruining the game.’

  ‘I told you, I can’t play because of the sun,’ my sister insists, her nose still in her book.

  ‘I’ll smother you in sun cream,’ I promise. ‘You must have some in that bag.’

  Despite only being a matter of feet away from the house, my sister is carrying around a huge bag full of all sorts of things – everything from first aid stuff to insect repellent.

  ‘Come on, we’re having so much fun,’ I lie. ‘You need to de-stress, this will be perfect.’

  I watch as my sister thinks carefully about what she should do.

  ‘OK, but only for ten minutes, and I will need a lot of sun cream first.’

  ‘Great.’ I clap my hands. ‘I’ll go and tell the others.’

  I leave the tent to give my sister a little privacy while she douses herself in factor fifty.

  ‘She’s coming out,’ I shout to the group. Everyone looks bored and hot, and they seem relieved that we’re going to get back on with the game. It was a nice idea to start with, but now everyone just wants it to be over.

  I can’t help but stare as a shirtless Leo takes a seat on the sand, lying back with his hands behind his head – in fact, I’m not the only one who has noticed this, all the women seem to be captivated.

  ‘Come on, Belle,’ an impatient Mike calls out, possibly something to do with the fact we’re all ogling Leo.

  As Belle emerges from the tent we all cheer her as she walks over, that is until we realise what she’s wearing. My dear sister is covered from head to toe, protecting her skin with a variety of clothing, a headscarf and a pair of long socks. Now, don’t get me wrong, it is hot today – but it’s England hot, not Ethiopia hot.

  ‘Belle, you’re going to melt–’ I start, but she doesn’t let me finish.

  ‘Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you,’ she snaps back.
>
  ‘OK,’ I say slowly. ‘Well, let’s play.’

  I look over at Nancy who is still waiting for me to bowl her a “good” ball and I decide it’s simpler to throw her an easy one than to argue with her. You know what they say about arguing with an idiot: don’t do it because they will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

  ‘Here we go,’ I say as I throw the ball ever so gently. Nancy squeals with delight as she hits the ball but it comes flying back towards me and practically lands in my hands.

  ‘Out,’ Mike calls before Nancy has even reached the first base.

  Nancy points at me menacingly with her bat before she hands it to Belle.

  ‘You blokes are too competitive,’ she says, and yes, that means me.

  ‘Come on then, Annabelle. Channel your old PE days,’ I tease as she makes her way to bat. My sister brandishes her bat like she means business, I bowl her the ball and she hits it a little better than Nancy did, but once again it comes towards me. The ball lands at my feet so I pick it up and throw it to Josh who is manning the first base, but as Belle scrambles to get there first she trips (probably because she’s dressed like Lawrence of Arabia) and as she falls to the ground in what seems like super-slow motion her face blocks the path of the ball, and they both land together on the sand.

  ‘It’s still in, Belle,’ Josh helpfully calls out to his cousin, who is face down on the floor. ‘Keep running.’

  Mike and I exchange worried looks as Nancy runs over to her BFF to see if she’s OK. As she rolls Belle onto her back I can’t help but slap my hand over my mouth with horror – look at all that blood! We all rush over to Belle, forming a circle around her.

  ‘Don’t worry, I’m trained in first aid,’ Leo says as he runs over.

  I bite my own lip anxiously as Leo assesses the damage.

  ‘It’s just a burst lip,’ he tells Belle. ‘Nothing to worry about, you won’t need stitches.’

  ‘Just a burst lip?’ my sister yells, spitting blood all over him. ‘I’m getting married in a matter of days. How long will this take to heal?’

  ‘A few days,’ Leo replies patiently. ‘Three, five maybe.’