Bad Bridesmaid Read online

  ‘Mia Valentina strikes again,’ my sister screams at me. ‘You really are determined to ruin my wedding, aren’t you? Why don’t you just do the job properly, shave my head, burn the beach house down…’

  ‘I’ll go get you some wipes,’ I say softly to Leo as my sister continues her rant.

  I head for the tent and begin looking in Belle’s bag of tricks for something to make Leo look less like an extra from The Walking Dead with all that blood splattered all over his body.

  ‘You know, for someone who isn’t trying to ruin her sister’s wedding, you’re doing a great job at it,’ I hear Leo laugh behind me.

  ‘Don’t,’ I plead as I hand him the wipes. ‘I’m going to be in so much trouble for this. I really didn’t mean to.’

  ‘Hey, I know that,’ Leo insists as he removes the blood as best he can. ‘Come here.’

  As luscious Leo wraps his arms around me I can feel myself relaxing in his embrace. I exhale deeply as I feel all my tense muscles slowly going back to normal as he holds me close and rubs my back.

  ‘You OK?’ he asks.

  ‘I will be,’ I reply. ‘It’s just this situation and this lot. I’ll be glad when I can go home.’

  ‘LA is home?’

  ‘It is,’ I reply. ‘I thought you knew that.’

  ‘I just think that’s cool,’ Leo explains. ‘You’ll have to let me visit.’

  I wiggle free from his arms a little and look into his eyes. I’m not sure I have ever been so attracted to anyone before. Usually the physically attractive guys are absolute pigs but not Leo – Leo is lovely.

  ‘Do you want to do something?’ he asks.

  ‘Oh, I want to do something all right,’ I say, grabbing his face and kissing him passionately. I’m not sure what just happened but he instantly made me feel better, so I’m showing my gratitude the only way I really know how.

  Leo sweeps me off my feet with his big, strong, fire-fighting arms and lays me down on the tent floor. His body has only just met mine when we are interrupted.

  ‘Oh my God,’ squeaks the unmistakable (but slightly muffled) voice of my sister. ‘Is there anyone you don’t plan on screwing on this beach? Should I warn Dan’s family that you might try and lure Max down here, or Dan’s dad or his granddad!’

  I can’t help but roll my eyes as Belle rants, still holding a tissue over her bloody lip. I can see that her comment about me screwing people on the beach registered with Leo, so I’m going to have to explain that one later. Awesome.

  ‘We were just–’ Leo starts, but Belle interrupts him.

  ‘Don’t worry, Leo, I’m not mad at you. This is just what Mia does. She sleeps with everyone, she tries to steal the attention and she ruins weddings.’

  ‘In my defence, ruining weddings isn’t exactly my thing, I haven’t ruined anyone else’s wedding,’ I insist. Well, I haven’t, but I suppose now isn’t the time to bring that up.

  ‘I came on to Mia, I promise,’ Leo insists.

  ‘Literally,’ I joke, but this type of humour is wasted on my prudish little sis.

  ‘Can you give us a minute, please?’ Belle asks Leo, who obliges. Brilliant, no witnesses, and I’m trapped in a tent with Bridezilla.

  My sister sits down next to me, grabs a compact mirror from her bag and examines the damage to her face for a moment. It does look nasty, but the bleeding seems to have stopped and with a bit of luck it will clear up before the wedding – even if it’s just enough for us to hide it with makeup.

  Belle snaps the mirror shut and looks me dead in the eyes.

  ‘Please don’t ruin my wedding,’ she pleads.

  ‘Belle, I promise you I’m not trying to ruin your wedding, this was just an accident.’

  ‘And promise me you won’t ruin Leo’s life.’

  ‘What?’ I can’t help but laugh. ‘Why would you think I’d try to ruin Leo’s life?’

  ‘I don’t think you’ll try to do it, but you will do it if you keep this up,’ Belle insists, and she’s being completely serious. ‘Leo is a good man. He’s sweet and kind. You’re going to hurt him if you involve him in your silly, slutty sex games.’

  ‘First of all, I’d just like to get it on record that I find that really fucking offensive. Secondly, I don’t think Leo is the kind of guy that you think he is. He really did come on to me first, I had no intention of going there until he made the first move. Not only that, but when I told him I wasn’t looking for anything serious he told me he felt exactly the same. This is a holiday fling, nothing more.’

  I don’t get an apology, but Belle nods in recognition of what I have just said.

  ‘OK then, so you won’t mind doing me a favour,’ she says confidently.

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘No matter who or what is to blame, I feel like my wedding is doomed. I need to do everything to make sure things go to plan, and if you really don’t have any feelings for Leo then you won’t mind doing this for me.’

  I look at my sister expectantly as I wait for her to spit out what this big favour is.

  ‘A sex ban,’ she announces proudly, like this will be the answer to all her problems.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I ask.

  ‘You, not having sex until after the wedding. When you start thinking with your tuppence things just start going wrong for everyone.’

  I take a very brief break from being offended to grin widely.

  ‘Did you just say tuppence?’ I laugh.

  ‘Oh and what do you refer to it as? Something sexual you heard in a porn film no doubt,’ she snaps.

  I’m still laughing, only now my jaw has physically dropped too.

  ‘Why don’t you just say vagina?’ I ask.

  ‘Because that’s a dirty word,’ she replies seriously.

  ‘No it’s not. That’s what it’s called.’

  ‘Well I’m not saying it,’ she insists.

  ‘Say vagina.’

  ‘Mia, stop it,’ my sister demands.

  ‘Just say vagina and I’ll stop,’ I laugh.

  ‘Mia,’ Belle snaps, only far angrier this time. ‘I know you’ll probably find it difficult but just do this for me. Please.’

  I’m not sure my sister is smart enough to work a little reverse psychology on me, but it’s working. As much as I hate being told what to do, I hate the fact that she thinks I can’t go a few days without sex even more. At least if I do as she asks, she’ll have one less reason to blame me for things going wrong.

  ‘I shouldn’t have to do this,’ I start, ‘but I will. Happy now?’

  ‘Oh I’m so happy,’ she snorts sarcastically. ‘Dan can’t walk, my face is pouring with blood and I have to worry about you keeping your knickers on.’

  There’s just no pleasing some people.

  Chapter 19

  After taking an abstinence pledge just to please my sister, I didn’t much feel like going back to the house to play happy families. Everyone either hates me or feels sorry for me because they think I’m so miserable I tried to throw myself in the sea, and then there’s Leo who I’m going to have to explain all of this too. To be honest, if I hadn’t already slept with him I’d probably find it easier to tell him that I had herpes than explain why my sister has made me promise to swear off sex.

  It is for that reason that I decided to take a stroll along the beach before popping in to see Shell for a cup of coffee (on the house, because she’s such a lovely lady) and to inhale the smell of her cupcakes. We chatted the afternoon away, and at first I didn’t feel too awkward in my bikini because people were coming in from the beach, but as the evening approached I felt more and more naked – I’ve got to stop wandering off without proper clothes on.

  So, here I am, wandering along the beach, alone, in my bikini, and not only is it getting dark but it’s getting pretty chilly too. I really don’t want to go back to the beach house, but I’m running out of options.

  Just when I think I’m totally screwed a familiar face runs over to me and starts licking my toe
s.

  ‘Hello, Jay,’ I say brightly as I rub his head, something I instantly regret because he’s all soggy from playing in the sea.

  ‘Look at that, I think he likes you. Usually he hates the women I…’ Chris’s voice trails off. ‘I mean, usually he just isn’t very nice to women.’

  ‘You mean I wasn’t your first?’ I gasp in a faux surprised voice.

  ‘Technically we didn’t actually do anything, so my number remains the same.’

  ‘It sounds like that’s a good thing,’ I laugh.

  As Chris walks closer to me and puts his hands on my waist, it’s almost as though I can read his mind. I know exactly what he wants.

  ‘I see you’re out without clothes again,’ he says. ‘Some might say you’re asking for attention.’

  ‘And you’re going to give it to me, I suppose?’ I smile.

  Chris shrugs his shoulders.

  ‘Well, no one is around,’ he says. ‘Except Jay, but he’s fine as long as you let him watch.’

  I laugh, but the truth is that as easy as it would be to get with Chris right now (and there’s the added bonus that my sister wouldn’t find out) I just can’t stop thinking about Leo. I can’t quite make sense of the way I’m feeling, but I suppose it’s only fair, isn’t it? If I can’t sleep with Leo, then it isn’t fair to sleep with Chris… no, I don’t know what I’m talking about either. I’ve never felt like this before, but then again I’ve never been put in this position before.

  ‘The thing is,’ I begin to explain, and I can see Chris’s smile drop almost straight away, ‘this is going to sound stupid, but I promised my sister that I wouldn’t have sex until after her wedding.’

  Chris looks at me, visibly confused by what I have said.

  ‘Why would she do that?’ he asks.

  ‘Basically, she thinks my vajayjay will be the end of her. She also doesn’t think I can do it, so the urge to prove her right, sibling rivalry and so on...’

  ‘I can appreciate that, I had a bit of that going on with my little brother back home – of course it was mainly to do with surfing.’

  We laugh together at the silly situation, but I’m glad that he understands.

  ‘Well, there’s only one thing for it,’ Chris starts. ‘Want to get drunk?’

  ‘Ah, alcohol – the next best thing after sex. I’m in.’

  Well, I certainly don’t want to go back to the beach house, but if I have to it may as well be when I am very drunk and everyone else is asleep.

  ‘I thought girls thought chocolate was the next best thing after sex?’ Chris asks, puzzled.

  ‘Do I look like I eat chocolate?’ I ask, pointing to my body. ‘I don’t think I’ve eaten chocolate in five years.’

  ‘That’s fucking depressing,’ Chris laughs, ‘but I suppose you look good in a bikini for it.’

  I smile.

  ‘Well, there’s a shop not too far from here. I’ll pop in and get us something strong, you can wait outside with Jay – no shirt, no pants, no service,’ he teases.

  I give him a playful slap across the chops.

  ‘I’d give you some money, but I don’t have any on me. No pockets,’ I laugh.

  ‘That’s OK,’ he replies. ‘I won’t get the good stuff.’

  As we stroll along the beach I feel happy that I have a friend here, but at the same time I feel strange, like I’m being disloyal to Leo. But what is Leo to me? Nothing. Hardly even what you’d call a friend.

  Anyway, alcohol. That will make everything better.

  ***

  I am drunk and it feels good. Drunk Mia is way smarter than sober Mia, drunk Mia has it all together and figured out.

  Chris and I sat on the beach, drank the cheapest vodka mixed with diet coke and chatted about everything. He had some very helpful suggestions about how I can better survive my sex ban, although I’m fairly sure that having sex with myself probably still counts because if Belle caught me doing it she would probably beat fifty shades out of me.

  Like the gent that he is – and not the tourist sexual predator my sister thinks he is – Chris walked me back to the beach house to make sure I got there safely. Halfway through the night he gave me a T-shirt because I was starting to get really cold and he wasn’t wearing it. I forgot to give it back before he left, and can’t help but laugh as I look at my reflection in the huge hallway mirror. The top is black and across the chest is an arrow pointing to each arm along with the caption “I don’t need a licence for these guns” – hilarious considering how scrawny my arms are.

  As I creep up the stairs I do so in perfect silence. Luck is on my side because there are no creaky floorboards, nothing for me to knock over and I’m doing an excellent job of staying on my feet.

  As I make my way along the corridor my bedroom is in my sights. Just a few more feet to creep and I’ll save myself a bollocking for waking everyone up.

  As I open my bedroom door it allows just enough light into the room for me to see that there is a man in my bed. Shit, Leo must be waiting for me to finish what we started earlier. Poor bastard, he isn’t going to understand this sex ban, it’s going to seem like I’m rejecting him.

  I quietly close the door behind me. As I make my way towards the bed, pulling off my T-shirt as I tiptoe across the pitch black room, I feel a cheeky smile spread across my face. My sister told me I couldn’t have sex, but she didn’t tell me that I couldn’t involve myself in sexual activities. I’ve found a loophole and I plan to exploit it – at least tonight, you know, so that Leo doesn’t take it personally when I explain why I can’t go all the way.

  I climb in bed slowly and quietly before slipping my hand under the covers and into his pyjama pants – this will be a wake up he’ll never forget.

  I know I must be doing a good job because Leo is moaning. The noises he is making are getting louder and louder. I take this as my cue to rip the covers off and get more into it, but I soon realise that these are not noises of pleasure he’s making, they are noises of pain, and they’re really loud now. Actually, they’re much louder than I realised because before I know it people are rushing into the room to see what’s wrong.

  ‘What’s the matter, darling?’ my sister asks anxiously as she flicks the light on. Oh crap, she’s going to see me bending the rules – and why would she call me darling?

  Put it down to my reflexes being slower thanks to all the alcohol, but it is only as I see my sister and Leo both standing in the doorway that I quickly remove my hand from the pants of the person next to me. Please, God, don’t let it be Dan that I am in bed with.

  My sister looks like she is about to explode with anger and Leo is just staring blankly at me. I’m not sure I need confirmation, but I look to my right and sure enough, a surprised and hurting Dan is looking back at me.

  For a moment no one says anything, until…

  ‘Did you just give my fiancé a hand job?’ Belle asks calmly.

  ‘Princess, I swear I didn’t ask her to,’ Dan starts babbling, the little grass.

  ‘Shut up,’ she snaps. ‘I’m talking to Mia. Well, did you?’

  I think about my words carefully for a moment because I wouldn’t want to not explain it properly and get thrown off the balcony by Bridezilla, but waiting only makes her look even angrier.

  ‘Mia,’ Leo prompts me.

  ‘I thought it was you,’ I blurt out to him. ‘I thought you were waiting for me to finish what we started earlier.’

  ‘Well that sex ban didn’t last long, did it?’ Belle snorts.

  ‘That technically wasn’t sex,’ I laugh sheepishly, but my sister is not amused. ‘What is Dan doing in my bed anyway?’

  ‘He was uncomfortable and stopping me from sleeping so I said he could have your bed,’ Belle explains. ‘I left you a note.’

  My sister nods at my bedside table and sure enough there is a note there waiting for me. I pick it up and read it out loud.

  ‘Mia, I’m giving Dan your bed, you can sleep on one of the sofas in the livin
g room. Annabelle.’

  I look at my sister who is glaring at me.

  ‘So, let me get this straight, I’m supposed to sleep on a sofa from now on?’ I ask angrily.

  ‘Hardly as bad as having your fiancé sexually abused by your sister,’ she reasons. I imagine it would be a waste of my time to explain that she had already demoted me to the sofa before I inappropriately touched Dan.

  ‘Belle, listen, I’m really sorry,’ I tell her sincerely, because there’s no way I ever would have done this intentionally. ‘I didn’t turn the light on before I got in bed, so I didn’t see your note.’

  ‘Just grab what you need and go to the sofa,’ she demands as she picks up the T-shirt from my bedroom floor. As she holds it up in front of her she reads the caption out loud. ‘Whose shirt is this?’ she asks angrily.

  ‘It’s mine,’ I insist. ‘I sleep in it. Usually,’ I add.

  ‘Mia, it stinks of aftershave, so unless you’ve started sleeping in that too…’

  ‘Belle–’ I start, but she doesn’t let me finish.

  ‘Just go and sleep on the sofa and I’ll listen to your excuses when I feel less like killing you,’ she says quietly.

  ‘She can sleep in my bed,’ Leo, who has been quietly taking everything in until now, chimes in. ‘I’ll sleep on the floor.’

  ‘She doesn’t deserve your kindness,’ Belle says as she places a hand on Leo’s face. ‘I am so angry and so disgusted. I’ll deal with you tomorrow,’ she tells Dan before she goes off back to bed.

  Poor Dan. Obviously I didn’t mean to do this, it was a horrible drunken lapse of judgement, but Dan really is entirely blameless. He didn’t even enjoy it, I think I might have hurt his back and if that gets any worse I’ll be in even more trouble.

  ‘Shall we?’ Leo asks, nodding towards the door. I nod my head sheepishly. ‘Sweet dreams,’ he says to Dan before leaving the room.

  ‘Goodnight, Dan,’ I say awkwardly. ‘Sorry again.’

  ***

  Leo and I make the very short journey to his bedroom in silence.

  ‘I feel like I should explain but I’m not sure how,’ I say as I close the door behind me.

  ‘You don’t have to explain anything,’ Leo replies. ‘You take the bed, I’ll take the floor.’